A Letter to my Pups

Dear Allie and Luke~

First let me remind you that I love you both very much and thank you for helping me get through my runstreaks.  You are both so sweet and snuggly and funny and I couldn’t live without you.  That being said, I have a few suggestions I would like you to consider:

• Luke – You have all day long to poop.  The entire day.  All you have to do is go to the front door and someone will let you out.  You do that constantly anyway, so do it once more.  Get out there, hunch your back, pull in your ass and push!  The thing is, I’m sick of you pooping one minute into our walk/run.  We’re still walking.  You haven’t even had a chance to ‘get things moving.’ Why must you poop when I’m on the clock?  And why must you do it again 33 minutes in, when we’re running?  It doesn’t make sense to me.  I also don’t get the middle of the night poops on the carpet, 4 inches from the tile, when we put you out at 10:30 and you pooped then.  You’re too small to have that much waste.  Work on it.
• Allie – We need air.  It is essential for breathing.  Without it we will die, humans, dogs and kitties alike.  Please don’t bark at air.  Air has never done anything bad to you except for the occasional hard blow that freaks you out so much.  Seriously.  It’s air.
• Luke and Allie – When we walk past other dogs, just ignore them; look the other way.  Keep on trucking up the hill or running down the street.  Their owners don’t really want you to befriend or attack their dogs and I hate to have to yoke up on the leashes, pull hard and whisper, “no” while watching what they do, breathe and stay on track.
• Allie and Luke – People who walk by our home are just walking by our home.  You can tell, because they don’t stop and open our gate; they simply keep walking.  As such, you don’t need to bark.  They want to neither play with nor kill us.  If you insist on barking, how about you just do it once – like a warning bark.
• Allie – The big dog bed is for you.
• Luke - The little dog bed is for you.
• Luke and Allie - The couch is not for you.
• Allie – Standing by the door every 15 minutes just to sit in the sun for 10 minutes and want back in again is really annoying.  Please stop.
• Luke – Whining at Noah’s door will not wake him up and bring him to you any faster.  He can’t hear you but I can.  I can also put you in the garage where I can’t hear you.  Just a FYI.

That is all my sweet pups, my buddies who hang with me and follow me around the house, my exercisers who love me the most in the house because I’m the one home all day.

This is just constructive criticism.

Love,

Mommy

…or you can just share the big bed.