Confession

What I’m about to tell you will result in mixed emotions depending on the reader.  Some will think I did the right thing, some will cy otherwise and most of you really won’t care.  When it comes right down to it, though, I am what matters.  I am who matters.  My feelings.  My opinion.  Me.  With major input by Hot Joe, who agreed with and encouraged my decision.  The end.

Almost a month ago I wrote all about the process of Noah’s adoption, from the first text to my ex to the adoption day itself, video included.  Of course I didn’t share every detail.  For one thing, it’s not everybody’s business.  For a second thing, I have always prided myself in taking the high road when it comes to the ex, especially where Noah is concerned.  He has no need to know the dirty details.  I have lied to him exactly one time during this process and that was because he was 12 and I needed to keep his heart pure.  I told him the “dirty truth” once years ago because he asked a question and I didn’t want to lie.  Other than that I just don’t tell him.  Anything.  For a last thing, Noah can access my blog any time he wishes and I don’t need him reading about how his bio dad wore my underwear or slept with a teddy bear (totally untruths, but I made my point, right?).

Put simply, money was a pretty major player in the ex’s decision to relinquish custody of Noah.  After the adoption was complete, I advised him that he would be receiving confirmation which he needed to present to Child Support Services in order to have future financial responsibilities stopped.  The arrears would still remain and accrue interest, but there would be no future monthly support.  Some didn’t agree with me sharing this information; let him figure it out, they said.  I felt it was the right thing to do, knowing he would never figure this out on his own.

I didn’t have to do this.  It’s not my responsibility to make sure this is taken care of.

I want it over.  I want it done.  I don’t want to check the balance the first of the month and see it has gone up another $700.  As it is I check it first thing every morning to see if it has gone down.  Alas, he has no job and hasn’t for a very long time, so I’m checking in vain.  But I’m still checking.

On Friday I took the proof of adoption, drove 8 miles to Child Support Services and took care of the whole ordeal myself.  In a couple of days the balance will revert back to the balance of June 15, 2012 plus $115 and every month it will go up at a rate that equals 10%/year in interest.  I will still check the balance every day  and write the new balance down on the sticky note next to my computer on the first of every month, but I will have a clean conscience.  I didn’t do this out of care.  I did this because I want to break all ties.  I want to click that final lock.  If I never receive a dime, I’ll have an evil satisfaction in knowing that if he’s working he’s obviously getting paid under the table, which I believe is illegal.  One more reassurance that every decision I have made since October, 2004  has been correct.