He Saved my Life
Jul 10
I walked in the room assuming I was alone. Why would I think otherwise? I removed my clothes and bent over, grabbing something from the cabinet. As I straightened back up I was eye to eye with her. I was pretty sure she was recently discovered to be more dangerous than her black sister; more deadly. She looked right at me. My right breast came within inches of her. All she had to do was jump and she would be on me, biting me, possibly even murdering me!!! I would die with one extremely large breast and one regular old big one. I grabbed a towel, opened the door, took two steps back and yelled for Hot Joe.
“I need you to come up here immediately please!”
He stood in the doorway looking at me questioningly. I told him, “I was standing right there (pointing) and I bent over to get something out of the cabinet. Then I stood up.”
He stared at me like I was crazy. I stared back like he was the crazy one.
I waited.
Then I repeated myself slowly, reinacting, “I bent over right there to get something out of that cabinet. I was standing right there. Then I stood up.” I watched his eyes follow my path this time until they rested on her.
“Holy shit! That’s huge!” he said, taking two steps backward, into the middle of the hallway rather than in the doorway of the bathroom.
“I know! You have to kill her! Immediately!  Otherwise she’ll kill me!!!”
He stood there staring at me.
“Hurry! I think I saw her flip me off!”
He remained there, speechless, taking this in. He’s so very brave terrified of spiders, and he knew he had to take care of this; he is the man of the house. Rather than passing her and grabbing a huge ball of toilet paper or several sheets of tissue paper, he hung his head and  walked downstairs, through the living room, into the kitchen and grabbed three paper towels – me screaming at him to hurry the whole time because she was on the move and I had no place to go. He carefully folded them and sullenly returned to the bathroom where he took a deep breath, reached in and grabbed the little bitch, quickly tossing her into the toilet and flushing her immediately while I screamed for emphasis. We watched her separate from the towels and flow down the drain with the water.
He saved my life.
You know some spiders can swim, right?
Trust me. When it comes to spiders, the only way to be sure is to grab a shoe and pulverise the little sucker into spider-juice.
Great. Now I have to pee downstairs.
The head hanging stroll downstairs and all that is a calming technique. You’re supposed to see that he’s cool with things and so you can be too. I see what he did there and respect his work.
Thanks for the male perspective. I thought he was just trying to work himself up to the task.
He’s a hero!
Whenever my teenage daughter finds one of those deadly beasts my husband seems to be at work so I have to take care of it – and I use a shoe. Then I usually have to paint…
Anyway, I’m glad the three pieces of papertowel did not plug your toilet
Good point. Nothing would fit but paper. Ick.
Good lord almighty. That is one ginormous honkin spider! Glad your hero was around to rescue from a premature death with one huge boob!
It would have to be a closed casket.
I am dying a thousand deaths now. That picture is enough to haunt my dreams for weeks.Thank god for toilets and husbands.
I second that emotion Darla.
Was it a Brown Widow? I swear, I get so hung up on details… I’ll get to the excellence that was this post, but first I must know, did you figure out what kind of spider was invading your privacy? Inquiring minds – geeky minds – want to know. I want to know!
I like how you screamed for emphasis, Kim. You are the ever-supporting wife. Hot Joe is lucky to have you in his life. And yes, you are lucky to have Mr. Spider Catching Super Hero (aka Hot Joe) in your life.
Hee’bee jeebies… majorly.
I think screaming totally helped him on his mission. Especially screaming, “OH GOD HURRY SHE’S ON THE MOVE I’M GOING TO DIE!!!!!!” while standing naked next to the toilet against the back wall.
Wow! He is a good cook AND a spider killer. I knew you would make a great so-inlaw.
I know, Mom. He’s pretty awesomesauce.
YUCK! I hate them! I love that Hot Joe grabbed THREE paper towels. Not one or two because that’d get you too close to the thing. I would’ve grabbed six.
In junior high I tried to kill a spider on the ceiling and it dropped straight into my mall bangs. No joke. It was caged in there with LA Looks hairspray. I screamed and tried to drown it by shoving my head under the sink.
I almost screamed out loud just now. How did you not just lose yourself in hysterics? Were you able to actually watch it leave your sticky hair and go down the drain? Were you able to just re-dry your bangs or did you have to wash your hair all over? I’m always afraid one will fall from the ceiling onto my face and crawl up my nose or in my ear or down under my covers and up my you-know-what (vagina).
Hooooooly Shit, what is that?!!! A tranchella (spelled wrong)
Hot Joe is AWESOME, man. X
He is. And yes, you totally spelled taranchula wrong and now I don’t remember how to spell it.
You’re totally crazy.
I like that.
She flipped you off – ha, ha! The water bugs around here moon you. Hate bug butts.
They are NOT cute.
Oh my that is one huge ass spider. My husband would’ve had me do the dirty work!
Hahahaha! No way. And my husband is an arachnaphobe.
Ick…spiders….