If I Believed

When I was running today I was listening to P!nk’s new album, “The Truth About Love,” which is so good but that’s neither here nor there.  There are a few songs that are exceptionally good, but one always gets to me.  It’s called, “Beam me up.”  Here are the lyrics to the chorus:

Could you beam me up,

Give me a minute,

I don’t know what I’d say in it

I’d probably just stare,

Happy just to be there, holding your face

For some reason today this really moved me and it made me think:  If I believed, and I don’t and I won’t, but if I did believe in heaven, could I handle “a minute?”  If I was to be beamed up (theoretically) I would need to know that for however long I was there I would leave satisfied.  I would remember what happened and I would never be sad about leaving.  I would only want to see my dad and I would want him to look like he did when I last saw him but at the same time look like he would today.  I would want him to smell like he did in order to trigger memories I may not have been able to previously conjure up.  Remember when you were little and you had a bad day or you hurt yourself and you held it in until you saw your mom and she took one look at you and she just knew and she kneeled down and spread her arms so you could run into them?  I would want that.  I would want him to see me and pull me to him, let me be small.  I have a recording of his voice but I would want to hear it in person, the cadence, the flow of his spoken word.

I would want him to tell me he’s seen Noah and Wyatt and Austin.  If he’d seen them he’d love them.  I’d want to know he’s seen not just what and how Beth and I are doing but our cousins, his sister’s children, and their children, her 12 grandchildren.  Does he see himself in Tony?  Does he hear himself in Tim?  Does he recognize the little boy he was in Elijah?  Does he like all of our spouses, including Mom’s?

As for me, I would want to know that the bad has been blocked.  I would like him to not comprehend the drinking, sex, bad marriage, desertion of Noah, money problems and any other pain or wrongdoings.  Only the good.  I would want him to know only the happy.

That’s what I would hope for.

If I believed.

But I don’t.  I won’t.