Overcoming Me
Jul 23
Have you ever had a memory that is crystal clear to you, every single detail, word, color and sound? Have you ever shared that memory with someone only to be told a) it never happened or b) it happened, but nothing like that? I have one of those memories. I remember it like it happened yesterday. The only thing that makes me question the memory is I have seen a photograph taken at the exact location of it, so I wonder if maybe it’s false after all.
DISCLOSURE: This ‘memory’ of mine is not meant to place blame on anyone for any of my issues. Likely it never happened. There are plenty of other reasons I turned out the way I did.
I was 8 and during a conversation I was told that I would always have to watch my weight because weight problems run in my family. Again, I was 8. I remember immediately feeling unattractive and worried about my future. I wasn’t the slightest bit chunky at that age. I was tall – taller than my cousin 5 months my senior – and I pretty much looked like every other girl in my class. Back in the 70s and 80s we didn’t have chunky kids to the best of my recollection. Not in elementary, middle or high school. We probably had a few, but nothing like the school population today.
I grew up perpetually aware of my weight. I was born with a round butt, with bets going around whether or not I was wearing a diaper. I grew up to have a tiny top and a round bottom. When I graduated from high school at 5’9″ and 135 pounds, I still felt fat because I had been told, “You could afford to lose ten pounds.” I was so insecure about my body and what it could become and how other people saw it that I eventually self-fulfilled my prophecy. When I gave birth to Noah in 1999 I was the heaviest I have ever been (and will ever be) in my life, and I stayed that weight for years.  I was also suffering from depression.  I was so insecure I didn’t like to eat in front of anyone, I wore clothes that made me look even bigger and I did nothing to make myself more attractive. Why? Nobody wanted to look at me. My own husband was dating someone else.
After my divorce I began to eat better and get more active, and that increased after I met Hot Joe, who tells me I’m beautiful every chance he gets. He touches me, he snatches kisses from me and he looks at me. Put me in a bathing suit with my thighs out there for everyone to see and I will become initially anxious. But that passes. I know where my insecurities lay but I also know where my assets are, so I do my best to keep the focus from the boobs up. And always wear mascara.
I grew up thinking I was the ugly duckling compared to my sister. I’m not. But it took me 25 years to realize.
Funny, my sister always said she thought I was prettier than her, but because she was always thin I always laughed at her. Now it’s apples and oranges.
I also grew up thinking I was the ugly duckling, and hoping that one day I’d wake up and find I was beautiful. Then one day, I was an adult and I realised that it was never going to happen. I would never be that beautiful swan.
After my edlest son was born, I looked in the mirror one day. I was wearing clothes that didn’t fit, I looked like I hadn’t slept in a week, and I probably had baby puke on me somewhere. But I looked happy and confident and real. And that’s when I realised that I’d been beautiful all along, if only I’d let myself see it.
Thanks so much for sharing your story, Kim. So glad you’ve found your real self, too.
(Also, mascara is always the answer.)
I’m just an overweight curly-haired woman with little green eyes until I put on mascara. POW! I’m beautiful. So strange that it took adulthood to see my pretty.
For me, there was so much that made me feel insecure when I was growing up. I think that one of the main ones for me was my teeth. I had very crowded teeth and I remember hating them. My parents did not take me to the dentist, either. They could afford to get things for themselves (like shortwave radio equipment for a hobby), but they never had money to take us for regular dental check-ups. I remember being jealous of all those kids who got braces. I used to hate it when people complained about braces because I’d think that if only they were in my shoes. Long story short, I got my teeth fixed as an adult.
$164/month. That’s what we pay to make sure Noah doesn’t go through that. We have no car payments. We have no credit card payments. We have only the payment for braces.
I’m glad that you are feeling confident now, and moving past these hurtful experiences.
You and me both. Phew!
How dare those people make you feel inadequate! Damn Them!
You know what? As a young girl, I always thought I was pretty until somebody told me I wasn’t.
I thought I was thin, until somebody told me I wasn’t .
If only we would stop seeing ourselves thru other peoples’ eyes.
Now I say, Fuck all of those people who made me feel less…
Great Post.
oh, btw, You. Are. Beautiful.
I was too young to feel beautiful and have that taken away. I had no thoughts on the matter until it was brought up. Thanks Kim.
Thank you so much for writing about something that is so personal.
Nobody has the right to make anyone feel like they have no control over themselves and their weight or appearance.
And on top of that, aside from the health problems associated with being very overweight, why should anyone have an opinion on it at all?!?
You ARE beautiful and I’m so happy that you have found someone who makes you feel that way.
Thank you Dawn.
5’9″ and 135lbs? and you need to lose 10? Holy cow that’s distorted! I’m so glad you find yourself in a better place now!
Me too. Funny that I feel healthier and prettier NOW than I did THEN.
Oh, man, I feel for you on this. I hate being fat. I hate that I felt fat as a high school student when I wasn’t fat. And I hated being “the smart sister” because my sister was “the pretty and social one.” I was relegated to nerd status before even opening my mouth…
Ha! I get the ‘smart sister’ feeling.
You have always been beautiful. You have always had that regal “Grace Kelly” look. I hope it wasn’t me that you remember telling you about weight problems at the age of 8! That would have been horrible. And….. there was no problem and that would definitely have made one. Either way – just look at you now; beautiful outside and better yet inside!
Thanks Mom. You have to think I’m beautiful; I look like you.
I’m sorry such an insensitive comment had such a strong effect on you. i’m glad you are taking care of yourself and confident.
You know, I think it came at a bad time.
Ah, when I was eight one of my parents told me I was getting fat (which I wasn’t) and it shaped the way I ate forever after. But, like you, I have an excellent husband who makes me feel beautiful all the time; thank goodness for them, huh? You’re a step ahead of me, however, in that I will not wear a bathing suit for any reason! Never!
A plunging neckline will also keep a man’s gaze from falling below the horizontal plane.
What a difficult struggle! And so young to start to have those thoughts in your mind. With all of your running (which is impressive!) I’m sure you are in excellent shape and pretty healthy!
Every single time I WALK (but fast) up this hill I think to myself, “Michelle ran it. You will too one day.”
Oh, it makes me so sad that someone said that to you at such a young age. Same age that my daughter is now. I hear some of her friends mothers saying these kinds of things, and I can’t think it’s good for them. Glad you are in a better place now.
Me too, and I’m ALSO glad I have a son. Boys have it so much easier! Plus he happens to be beautiful (seriously)
What a wonderfully honest post. I grew up thinking much the same about my appearance… my sister was always the cute, blue eyed, blonde,… Me, not so much. I never much thought about the way I looked until I was made felt bad about it. Now, I try not to let it get to me and am happy that I have three, happy and healthy children and they have a happy, healthy mommy.
Oh, and I rarely leave the house without mascara.
I used to want to sleep in it, but my husband convinced me he can’t see me at night when I’m asleep. I LOVE to get them dyed during the summer. They are BLONDE.
It’s amazing the layers on which our sense of self is built! But why does it seem like we let the negative words carry more weight?
Remember the poem “Sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me?” I used to say, “Throw the stones. I’d rather have the stones.”
What about the photograph? Was that related to a separate memory? I’m curious.
Your response to the prompt was excellent, Kim. I hope it was therapeutic, too. You’ve inspired me to walk on a regular basis, and I am very grateful for that fact. You are beautiful. Absolutely.
I don’t know if the photograph is related or not. I still don’t know if it’s a real memory. I just don’t think I would sabotage myself at such a young age.
Kids pick up on tiny tiny comments. My niece is obese – 150 pounds at 8 years old. Her mother, my evil sib, put a bottle in that kid’s mouth every time she cried from the day she was born. She also blew pot in her face. So by the time my Mom adopted her at age five, Kaylee was already obese. And Mom recognized rightly that the weight issues had to wait until other, more important emotional problems were under control. But this January, she and Kay started a fitness program together with a focus on health. She tells Kaylee how beautiful she is, and emphasizes that the weight loss is important to her heart (we have a history of heart disease) and her blood sugar (family history of diabetes). I think, I HOPE that the message she gets is “You are beautiful no matter what” but I fear that she is going to swing to the opposite pole and become anorexic, because it’s just such a hard line to walk, getting a child whose weight is unhealthy to slim down without also hurting her already fragile self confidence.
Oh, yes, I believe in the crystal clear memories that others don’t believe exist. They are the moments that may shape you or change you, and sometimes define you. We are all given a body. One body. And I am so glad that you’ve come to appreciate your beauty as YOU are. Cheers to that.
Why thank you Peach! Too bad it took so long for me to get here.
I have yet to learn how to use the mascara! Moving post Kim. You are beautiful inside out.
Thank you ever-following Ava.
Mascara is my most essential item. I have long curly thick BLONDE lashes. Without mascara I have no eyes. Seriously. People don’t know where to look.
Yes, the 70′s( and 80′s for that matter) was big on discouraging confidence. I thank God for Woody Allen, George Carlin and Saturday Night Live for putting it in prospective for me.
You’ve had one heck of a journey – but it made you beautiful…and strong! Get jiggy with it!
Haha! You rule Nami.
I have definitely had memories that people have told me didn’t happen or happened in a different way. It used to really hurt me, because I thought they were calling me a liar, but now I realize that everyone perceives reality differently and often people see what they want to see in a situation.
I’m so sorry you had to struggle with thoughts about your weight. I would have killed to be 5’9 and 135 lbs. Actually I would have just killed to be 5’9…I guess we all have our own insecurities.
YES – we all see things OUR way with OUR feelings. It doesn’t mean we saw or heard it WRONG, just different. I wish I was STILL 5’9″ I dropped a 1/2 inch somewhere.
I hate labels put on children. Good and bad. I just think it boxes them in and makes them slaves to a few persons’ narrow perceptions.
I had the same thing growing up. I was “ugly.” But I was held to the standards of my podunk town. When I went back to my 20 year reunion, let’s just say people should have put their money on this pony. Ellen
HA!! The reunion puts it ALL into perspective. Looking back at pictures – why did they think SHE was prettier than ME?
WOw thanks for spilling your guts out and sharing that. It took me till my 28th birthday to realize my beauty.
It took me until only a few years ago. Fat AND beautiful. And happy. THAT’S what kicked my butt into healthy living.
Your confidence in seeing and admitting an insecurity is powerful. You have it, it doesn’t have you! So happy that Hot Joe really looks at you – that’s what we all need.
Hot Joe saw the inside AND the outside and still does. He boosts me up higher than I really belong!!!
This was so moving! My heart sank when you said your own husband was dating someone else. Glad you have Hot Joe now! I was the smart one, not the pretty one.
I was the smart one and the pretty one but didn’t live up to my potential and didn’t think I was pretty. And the husband dating…best thing that happened to me. Made me take control of my son and I for the first time.
I dared a bikini this year at the age of 38. It was scary at first, but then I realized no one was looking at me.
Wait, does that mean I’m ugly?
Man, it’s hell being a woman.
I went to a pool party two weeks ago – all women. I was a WRECK about it. So terrified. There were two thin women there and I was the only one NOT in a bikini. It felt so good.
I relate to every one of your body image issues! My body is such an easy place to locate all my insecurities. I thought I was fat as a kid and put myself on a diet at five. When I look at old pictures, I’m always surprised that I looked completely normal. So sad to have spent any time hating my body! I’m happy you’ve made peace with yours and married a man who really sees you. And that you found mascara! Congrats on writing a beautiful, moving post.
FIVE!!!! Heartwrenching. There’s a reason you felt that way. You didn’t come up with that on your own. Oh society. And yes, mascara is the best accessory EVER. For the waterpark next week, WATERPROOF.
This is a verse from a song called “You’re Aging Well” by a woman named Dar Williams. It came to mind as I read your post. I’m so glad you made it here:
Now when I was fifteen, oh I knew it was over
The road to enchantment was not mine to take
Cause lower calf, upper arm should be half what they are
I was breaking the laws that the signmakers made. . . .
NAILED IT