These are the Rules

I have a bone to pick with America.  It seems as though there is only a small portion of us who know how to use a cell phone appropriately.  The rest of you are calling, texting, gaming, Tweeting and Facebooking and reading and replying to email completely incorrectly.  As such, I have made the following list of rules for the correct usage of a cell phone.  These are both Dos and Don’ts.  Please feel free to print out the list and put it on your refrigerator.

1.  When driving while using your cell phone use of a hands-free device is a MUST.

When I say hands-free device I don’t mean the cheapest Motorola blue tooth you can find on eBay, which makes it hard to hear who you’re talking to and annoys the hell out of the person on the other line.  I’ve always had complaints when I used mine.  The best hands-free device I’ve ever experienced?  The wired ear buds that came with my iPhone.  I’ve talked to others who use them and others have talked to me and none of us can tell the other isn’t talking directly into the phone.  Another option?  Buy yourself an Acura TL.  My BFF Lori has one and she talks to me through her car and it’s like she’s right in the room or car with me.  Great sound quality.

2.  Do NOT use your cell phone while walking two dogs on retractable leashes.

First of all, you look like an ass when you have to prop the phone between your shoulder and your ear so you can use both hands to control your dogs who may have just spotted someone else’s dogs (take mine, for example).  Second of all, you look like an ass when you have to prop the phone between your shoulder and your ear so you can use both hands to simply walk your dogs…

3.  Do NOT use your cell phone while pushing an empty dog stroller with a dog on a retractable leash in each hand while you walk down the street on the sidewalk towards, say, me and my two dogs.

The next time I see you anyone who does this, I will hold fast and stay on the sidewalk just to see you said random person maneuver the stroller, the dogs and the cell phone off the sidewalk and into the street.

4.  Do NOT talk on your cell phone while jogging.

Really?  I mean seriously – really?  I actually saw this yesterday.  First of all, does the person on the other end really need to hear you panting?  Second of all, jogging=sweating and sweating=wet phone and wet phone=ruined phone.  Duh.  I kind of feel like someone running while cell phoning is a bit of a show off.  Look at me!  I am running!  I am chatting!  I bet when she turned the corner she Tweeted someone.  When I’m out with the pups (because this is my blog so it’s about me) I wear my phone on my arm and listen to music through it.  Mom people have been known to call occasionally and I simply keep going, ignoring the possible call informing me that Noah has broken a humerus or scapula.

5.  If you’re going to text, Tweet, Facebook or Instagram in a closed room – say a waiting room – with other people, turn off the keyboard sound.

Man I hate the beep of people hitting their keyboards.  I don’t even like the quiet clicking but I understand the desire of people to feel connected while waiting for their funny mole to be looked at, so I’ll put up with that.  But I’ll probably still shoot you looks.

6.  If you’re in a waiting room or any enclosed room with other people in it, make and take your phone calls outside.

Have you ever noticed the sign in your doctor’s waiting room with a picture of a cell phone inside a circle with a line across it?  That means no cell phone use in the waiting room. If someone happens to call you, whisper into the phone, “Just a moment, let me step outside.”  I so very much hate to hear the conversation between the teenager and his mom about what time he got in last night.  I can’t stand to be forced to listen to the great deal someone can get someone else on the perfect house.  I really hate the person speaking in a different language because not only does it sound faster and louder than English but now I’m being annoyed and can’t understand it.

7.  Don’t walk and talk at the same time in a public place.

I’ve seen way too many people bump into other people, poles or fall off sidewalks.  Funny, but dangerous.

8.  Feel free to have a seat, outside and talk, text or mobile bank to your heart’s desire.

I’ll even bring you an iced coffee.

9.  Never ever never never ever text while you’re driving.

Have you seen those commercials with the people talking about their dead loved one or the guy who has severe brain damage and they hold up a sign with half a word and it’s representative of the text that killed/maimed them? Oh God those kill me.  You can speak your text (in theory), but that almost always comes out wrong and  you have to edit what you said, so you really can’t go that route either.  If you insist on texting, hand your phone to someone who can spell and dictate your text to him/her.  The same goes for reading the text.  Ask who it’s from.  If it’s from someone who generally sends you dirty stuff just wait until you get home.  You don’t want to ruin your 13-year-old.

10.  If you happen to drop your cell phone while you are driving, GET OVER IT.

Please don’t try to stretch and fiddle around and reach for your phone while in motion.  That is so very super dangerous!  I get it, you’re probably afraid it propped itself just so under the brakes and you won’t be able to stop and you’ll kill and be killed, but really what are the chances of that happening?

I could continue this, I really could, but I have decided to stop at 10.  You’re welcome.  You’re phone just beeped.  I think someone sent you a text.