This is ADD

Have you seen this:

My friend Beth- well I mean I only actually met her once at a party and she was kinda quiet but funny and I knew there was more to her – she posted this on her Facebook page the other day.  I Facebook friended her the day after I met her and she has been entertaining Hot Joe and I (oh yeah, he Facebook friended her too) more than daily ever since.  I don’t know where she goes to find the things she posts, but each item is funnier than the last.  And then she posted this one, and I was like, “Holy shit that’s totally me!”  Six hours later when Hot Joe got home he said, “I have to show you something,” turned his laptop around, and there was the same thing.  I said, “I know!  I saw it earlier!  It’s’ totally me!!!!”  Then we laughed because it’s always funnier with someone else.

Here’s the thing.  When I say that’s me I mean I will stop mid-sentence and just stare at Hot Joe, Beth, Noah or pretty much anyone because my brain works so fast that it’s already on the third important/funny/horrific item so my mouth just freezes because the next word is gone.  Nowhere to be found.  Usually it’s a totally predictable word and all I have to do is think back to what I just said and that should register the word I’m looking for, but by then I’m anxious and can’t remember what I was even saying and my mind can only think about my anxiety and where is my Klonopin and do I have any cut in half.

Years ago, and I may have said this before, I worked for an orthopedist who had a U-shaped medical office.  Along the right side of the office were, well, offices, along the round of the U were exam rooms and along the left-side was the check-out counter with the waiting room in front of them.  There was also a pathway with a long two-person desk that ran through the middle of the U.  About a month after I started there, my friend Jamie told me she liked me from the very beginning because I was nosy and always looked at every single person I passed.  She said there were rumors that the doctor had the whole office bugged (actually quite common – I worked for a doctor who had cameras on each and every one of us and he watched us whenever he was in his office), and when I came in with my big personality always saying things to people, looking at them and asking what they were doing they all thought I was hired as a spy.  That is so awesomesauce I still can’t get over myself.  How cool to have people think you were hired to be a spy when really you were just hired to take people’s histories and type up their medical reports.  Yes!

See, I can’t always focus on just one thing.  I can’t help it.  If you’re ever in the car with me, watch me out of the corner of your eye.  I look at every single car that passes us or that we pass.  Every one.  I want to see every person in every car and what they’re doing.  This goes for both sides of the car.  Granted, I don’t do this (as much) when I’m driving because it’s dangerous (in theory) but I totally could because that’s like the ultimate multi-task and I rule at that.

When I had Noah I was working in an office where we all had cubbies, and mine was a coveted corner cubby.  I loved it so much.  People were constantly coming by to ask how my baby was and how I was handling things and one thing would lead to another until I finally had to put a sign up asking people to “Please Do Not Disturb.”  I was way too easily distracted.  As it was, I turned around at every footstep, voice, phone and far away conversation not because I was nosy (as some may think) but because I’m distracted.

Then I got this awesome job at home.  During the school year I’m good.  It’s quiet, I can’t hear “Suite Life on Deck,” Noah’s not asking questions, kids aren’t screaming in the pool or ringing our doorbell and my only ‘distraction’ is me.  By me, I mean, The G is Silent, Facebook, GisSilent.Scentsy.us, twitter, MailChimp, blog1, blog2, blog3, child support, twitter again, email, The G is Silent, email, blog4.  I’ve been working super hard to use the computer only for when I need to look things up for work, and I always start out that way.  Like, I’ll look up a patient’s history to see what other doctors have dictated her medication is because I can’t understand Dr. Lu or Dr. Rajachandran.  Once I figure it out, I’ll quickly respond to a tweet I got earlier and check my stats then close it all and get back to my work computer.  Lalalalala…what?  I’ve never heard of that before, and spell check isn’t recognizing it.  I guess I’ll have to open my laptop and look it up.  Xience!  Wow!  Who knew it would sound like Science and not be spelled Syans or Xyans?  Awesome.  Now let me just read this blog real quick and see how many people opened my email and how many clicked to my website.  Woe is me.  Now I’m distracted for feeling sorry for myself.

I’m trying really super hard and Hot Joe is trying really super hard to be patient when he asks me, “hows’ your work?” when he sees me turned to my laptop and I really am looking up a medical term.  If I’m tired, though, my ADD gets worse.  It’s so much harder to concentrate when you’re yawning and you’re listening to a doctor speak while typing while using a foot pedal while thinking about how tired you are while stretching to get more awake.

You may now exit my brain and go about your daily business of being quiet and doing one thing at a time, but before I leave you to your normalcy, I hope you all now understand why I’m always cleaning my house and doing laundry.  It’s because I’m distracted by the dust/dirt/clutter/disarray/funk.

I love chocolate.

And wine.

Ooooh and Mexican food.  I love Mexican food with the chips and the salsa and the beans and the sour cream…