What If I Die?
Jul 02
Yesterday while driving up to see some friends in Channel Islands, I suddenly had an urge to make sure Hot Joe had the password to my laptop in case I should die. I told him he could either email E or call her to tell her I died so she could handle the blog for him – write a little, “Kim’s dead” post or whatnot. I explained that she’s an administrator on my blog since she’s always fixing this and adjusting that for me. He asked, “Why are you telling me this?” “Because all my fans will wonder what happened to me. Where did Kim go? Why is she not blogging? Did something happen?” E would know just want to do. He just shook his head at my preparedness.
Since my divorce from that guy many years ago I’ve had this overwhelming irrational fear of dying. At least that’s what others would call it – irrational. I always thought it was extremely rational; maybe not even rational enough! If I died then that other guy would get custody of Noah and poor Noah would be torn away from everyone and everything he knew and loved! Mom was always trying to reassure me with empty promises that she and Rick would move to Saudi Arabia with Noah, never to be found, and all would be good, but really?
Then I met Hot Joe and we married and he adopted Noah and the fear of where Noah would end up if I kick the bucket is gone.
I’m still afraid to die. I’m not afraid of the pain. I’m not afraid of the being dead part. It has nothing at all to do with me and still everything to do with Noah.
How could he go on without me? Seriously, I’m not just trying to be like, “Hey check me out I’m awesome. Nobody can live without ME,” but I lost my dad at 8 and it was a struggle. Noah’s almost 13. I’m his favorite person in the world. I’m who he comes to for everything. He needs me. I’m his mom. I can break of him of his “I hate yous.” I can make him laugh, cry, or angry. I HAVE ALL THE POWER. But mostly I can take the pain away. I can kiss the hurt away.
This fear of mine, which is so many years in the making, is slowly starting to dissipate a teeny tiny minute amount every day and with every loving action from Hot Joe. I know Noah will be well taken care of and we  have no less than 13 adults and 7 kids – all family and all in town - to love on him and fill in the blanks. I know this, but I’m a mom who has seen her son struggle throughout the years.
All that being said, I’m still going to need to make sure E takes care of all the bloggy stuff. So many people will suffer without my blog.
I know how you feel. I’ve spent a LOT of time thinking about what would happen to my boys if I died, even going so far as to talk to my sister about things she would need to know/understand/do for my kids. Now I have one more thing to worry (read: obsess) over: who’s going to look after my blog??
So, thanks for that.
(And here’s hoping that neither of us kicks the bucket for a good long time — at least long enough for us to sit down and have coffee together in person!)
YES!!! If we make a goal to meet then we CAN’T pass on!!
Being a mother opens you up for a world of hurt and fear, doesn’t it? Good thing there are buckets of love and joy to go with it. Ellen
That’s so true Ellen. Couldn’t say it better myself.
Favorite line: This fear of mine, which is so many years in the making, is slowly starting to dissipate a teeny tiny minute amount every day and with every loving action from Hot Joe.
That one hit me. I don’t know the full story of that other guy, but I know what you told me in your comment. I can’t imagine how difficult it’s been to relax into the idea that it WILL be okay in the end, no matter what happens. He will be safe and loved. You’re getting there. Be kind to yourself. And don’t go anywhere yet!!
I fear dying too! This year I had a breast cancer scare – two tumous biopsied (one was taken out althogether it was so “suspicious”) Thankfully neither tumour was cancer but it sure as hell got me thinking about what would happen to my kids if I wasn’t around to take care of them anymore.
So scary! So I can definitely relate!
I did a dictation today of a 36 year old woman who was diagnosed with lymphoma when she was pregnant and is now receiving treatment and not doing well. She has a tiny baby who may never know her. Heart breaking. Even if I died tomorrow, at least my baby got almost 13 years with me.
I so get this. I “share” custody of my oldest who is only 6. His father does not live near us so to say “share” doesn’t really describe the situation accurately. I worry constantly that if anything happened to me, he would be forced to leave the place he calls “home”, the stepfather who has been in his life since he was 9 months old and whom he calls “dad” in more than just name, his grandmother who is nearly a daily presence in his life, his baby brother, etc. It is an unbearable thought. As though losing his mom wouldn’t be bad enough, he would truly lose everything he considers his “life”.
Oh your posts when he leaves have made me cry. I get everything you just said.
Man, the stuff we worry about when our hearts are living in our children… I’m glad that Noah would have plenty of people to love him should we ever find ourselves reading a post from E.
I’m with you on the fear of dying thing. Husband and I just went and signed our wills last week. Before they were official, I was known for texting friends the details of the wills while driving in a rainstorm in case something happened to me. As mamas we just can’t help but worry about these things.
We did our will over a year ago, before Noah was adopted. When it came to who gets Noah in case of my death I was ready to offer up my sister. I was afraid! Joe jumped in and said, “I want him” and my love for him shifted immediately.
Oh, I hear you! That’s why I have a phobia of flying without the kids. Sounds incredibly selfish, but at least if we’re all on the plane together…
NORMAL. So many people do that! If one of us is going, WE’RE ALL OUTTA HERE.
More parents need to have these conversations. Because parents DO die. And we should prepare our lives if our children are to be cared for. It is, should it come to that, a final gift to the people we have given life.
We have definitely discusssed this with Noah. Being adopted gave him a HUGE sense of security.
I have always had this fear – what would my girls do without me. Unfortunately it hasn’t gone away; just includes more. What would my boys do without me! I feel that I am their “safe place” when their folks aren’t here. Then there is my husband ! Although I do feel great knowing that all of my family loves him enough to keep him in their lives if I should go first. But what about you two girls and my boys. I have decided to just stick around. You all need me a lot!
Growing up I had a huge fear of losing you and being orphaned. Oh GOD I couldn’t exist without you. Yes, Aunt Sharon would take us and love us as her own and she’d be amazing and wonderful, but YOU are my mom. YOU are Noah and Wyatt and Austin’s Gramma. NEED.
I love the hope you leave us with at the end now that Hot Joe has adopted Noah. Yeah for that! That was a very moving post, by the way. I loved the video. I have these thoughts on occasion about my youngest sister. She’s an adult with a husband and child of her own, and yet, she relies on me. I’m pretty sure she’d manage, but I understand the feeling, especially since you’re talking about your son.
My sister and I both say, “If my plane were going down, you’d be my call.” I think SHE’S the one I couldn’t live without.
Oh, the beauty and angst of being a mom!! I feel you, sister. Thanks for this great post.
Thank you. Momhood is bittersweet.
I think about this ALL THE TIME. And, maybe it’s because if I do die then my ex does take my kids away and that’s that. I imagine what kind of life they will have and frankly, just because of that I am determined to never ever die. EVER. What a great post.
You hit the nail on the head. I was afraid of him getting Noah for SO LONG. Thank you.
People laugh at me and my fear of flying. Silly people, I don’t have a fear of flying, I have a fear of death. As if I would fear flying! Puleeze!
I am not surprised you fear death – more specifically, leaving Noah behind – especially since you lost your Dad at age 8. Thankfully, you have a plan set, so the blogosphere will be notified. I will sleep better knowing this fact.
My Mom doesn’t have a fear of death – she just hopes she makes it long enough for her youngest grand-kids to gradate from high school. (Um, that would be Joe and Charlie.)
My fear of death came pre-kids, it came pre-Dad’s death. My fear of death started in 1980-something after watching a Nostradamus show on HBO. Stupid Nostradamus.
Hahaha! My fear came probably after I had Noah but got worse after the divorce.
I liked the light touch on some really tough fears. When I went into surgery a couple of months ago, and I was afraid I wouldn’t come out, I was sad for my daughter to not have me. Exactly like you mean. Not “I’m AWESOME. ” but because there is no other mom. I think I need to remember that more when I don’t think I’m good enough.
YES! No matter how much Noah may hate me sometimes, there is only ONE me.
I never really thought about it before, probably because I assume my husband will die young and I’ll live well past my usefulness. Wow, I’m not naive at all. We have five kids and I cannot imagine my husband taking care of them all by himself. If I do die, I hope he remarries quickly and that she’s a better housekeeper than me or he’s toast.
Just read this for the second time and am impressed with your ability to write with humor about a truly gut-wrenching possibility. Well done!
I’m worried there won’t be wine in heaven. And if there is, they won’t let me in.
Isn’t heaven supposed to have everything everyone wants? Like 17 virgins or unlimited Mexican food with a lot of sour cream, hot fudge sundaes and unlimited wine? I wouldn’t know since I’m ATHEIST. When I die I get nothing. Just burnt to a crisp, my perfectly precious organs being delivered all over the U.S.
TMI?
I can really identify with this post! Though it never even occurred to me to give someone access to my blog! I’ll have to get on that!
It’s totally necessary! I’m certainly not going to leave it up to Hot Joe! It would say, “This is Hot Joe. Kim is dead. Don’t come back here.”
Great – another thing for me to obsess about! Passwords! I already spend too much time worrying what will happen to our kids if I die anytime soon. And if I don’t! I relate to your post and your fears – completely!
I have an entire spreadsheet of passwords, because it’s the easiest way for Hot Joe to find them. Maybe I should send it to E. She could just fly in and take care of everything. She’s so awesome.
Since having my sons, my life has become full of happiness and meaning, but on the flip side of that the thought of not being there for them OR with them is terrible. Pretty much paralyzing, some times.
I think it’s a universal Motherhood “thing”. Not that it makes it any easier to think about, but it does make me feel *slightly* less neurotic when I need to talk about our wills 30 thousand times.
I am loving this weeks entries for Yeah Write! I feel like everyone so far has really opened up a part of themselves and showed their human sides.
Thanks.
Your fear is not so unusual. I used to love to fly, at least until my first child was born. After that, I was constantly worried about what would happen to my children if the plane should crash. Now that my youngest is a few day shy of 15, that fear is starting to abate.